work in progress...

A Life Surrendered

2012-02-06T08:37:00.000-08:00

In an effort to resurrect this blog - the following is an edited/ revised journal exerpt from October 2010. Just a 'brief' overview of what Gods been up to in us over the last 2 years. More to come.

Much has been shared with me recently regarding a life surrendered. And what does that look like? For me? For our family? Well, I know thus far what it seems, and in time, I pray that I can understand more of just what God desires to be accomplished in me (and us) through this time of refining.

2 years ago, God began a mighty work in our hearts. He got ahold of us & challenged us to give everything over to Him. Our plans, our desires, our goals, our talents, our time, our money, our expectations of what this life is suppose to be or contain for us... everything. And thus began the journey of a life surrendered to a Master who has had it all mapped out since the beginning.

First, he convicted us of how we spent our money. Rather, how little we consistently invested in the Kingdom financially. We prayed & sought His guidance for what to give & He revealed it to us. For our still luke warm hearts, this amount seemed like a super lot. It wasn't even a true tithe, but it was what we were commanded to give. And so we began giving. Faithfully. I've always heard testimonies of how believers had a need (financial) and when they became consistent givers - checks appeared in mailboxes, annonymous donations were doled out, bills were paid, or unexpected dividends incurred. None of that happened for us. In fact, just the opposite transpired. Although nothing else changed in our budget or lifestyle - within the first 2 months of giving, we couldn't afford our monthly living expenses.

We continued to pray. We waited. We trusted that our needs would be met. And they were. More abundantly than we could have ever anticipated. Just not in the ways we expected.

Months passed. We depended on our family's generosity to carry us through.

Secondly, He challeneged us to take Him at His word & trust Him with the size of our family. We always hoped we would have more children in addition to Avery. But certainly not then. We weren't even financially independent! Surely we were getting mixed signals. Nope. His Word is clear. His ways are perfect. His mandate to us became - 'Trust and obey. Even when it doesn't make sense to you.'

After months of wrestling with control issues & insecurities & a serious lack of faith - we surrendered it. Four weeks later we found out we were expecting Ansley.

God is so serious about obedience. He is so serious about building His Kingdom. Regardless of how uncomfortable it may make us at times.

Enter insurance nightmare... I mean, opportunity! For God to show up & provide. Just as he always has. And always will.

I had no maternity insurance on my private plan & no option to add it. Our best choice was to get me on Robert's policy through his employer. Great coverage. Huge premium. The monthly amount was enough to make us hit our knees again. Exactly where He wanted us to be. And to stay. There was no way we could continue to meet our other monthly obligations while accessing this insurance coverage. So - we rented our home & moved in with Robert's mom.

It was during this time that God began to develop in our hearts the idea of moving away from Jacksonville. Although we had grown comfortable there, started a family there, had a home, lives, jobs, extended family there, He reminded us that He is our provider. He gives & takes away. And gives... so much more.

Robert applied for a few jobs in Live Oak & Dowling Park. And just because we are human & tend to second guess & doubt - he even applied for a couple in Jacksonville, as well. You know, so in case God changed His mind we would already have an opened door. We humans & our control issues. Still not willing to completely surrender all of it to His timing & direction.

After much prayer & seeking & waiting - Robert was offered a job in Live Oak. This move allowed us to live with my parents for a while, as the approaching birth of our second daughter would render me incapable of obtaining employment.

We are excited at the prospect of raising our family here. In a community thats a lot like family. Where backyards are shared by all who wander in.

Beyond these plans - I have no idea what God has in store for us or where this journey may lead. I'm learning lessons as we go through each new stage about Gods character. His unfailing love for us, His grace which covers all my shortcomings & failures, His desires/ plans for our life which He will accomplish in His was, in His time, and by His means...

All in the pursuit of a life surrendered.

It's not easy. It's certainly not comfortable. It's often unfamiliar. It's definitely unpredictable. It's all of these things & yet - it's good. because it all aligns with my Father's will. And I just want to be submitted to Him. I trust that even though it may not seem like it now - and even when I can't see how it's all going to work out - or I don't understand the plan; ultimately, He is working to refine me. To cultivate my trust in Him. He's fulfiling the deepest desires of my heart. In His perfect time and in ways that only He can.

I'm so thankful that He always has me. In every situation. That I can trust Him to be in control. I'm so unworthy to claim the favor that he promises to me - just by being His child.

And although this season of transition is hard, I hope it only continues to spur us on further. To surrender more freely. To love Him more deeply. To trust Him more intimately.

More mac n cheese, please.

2009-09-24T07:24:00.000-07:00

Out of all the daily rountines in which we engage, supper time is by far the most entertaining in our household. It is a time set aside from the busyness of our day to talk about our time spent away from each other. It is also a time to eat! Much of the Peacock dinner hour is spent trying to convince our growing child that eating actually is the prime objective of supper. The social aspect is an added benefit.

Avery's latest supper favorite is macaroni and cheese (of the homeade persuasion, of course). On a good night, if she's going to finish anything we've prepared, she may actually finish a reasonable portion of macaroni and cheese.

Last night was one of those nights. She had finished her portion and was not interested in anything else offered by her plate. So, she then focused her attention on Robert's plate...where there were heaping mounds of macaroni and cheese. It was like the mac n cheese mountain region. You've met my husband, right? Ok.

"Daddy, I would like some of your macaroni and cheese."

"I will give you a bite of macaroni when you eat 2 bites of ham."

Reluctantly and in a time span of seriously 10 minutes...she eats the stinkin ham.

Robert spoons a bite of mac n cheese onto her plate.

Avery temper tantrum begin....NOW! "Daddy! I want your macaroni and cheese!" She screams, tears streaming down her red cheeks. Pointing pitifully to his plate.

"Avery, you have a bite of macaroni on your plate. Eat that and I will give you some more."

Tantrum comtinues.

Robert and I spent the next 10 minutes of supper convincing our daughter to calm down, look at her plate and realize what is in front of her, eat what has been given to her, and only then would she receive more (and eventually...she did).

Man, that illustrates exactly how I interact with God sometimes!

"God, I need more of _____ (pointing to what someone else has)!"
"Have I not given you everything that you need? Try being a good steward of it and then perhaps I can trust you with more."

"God, I need you to fix our finances!"

"Why don't you give up what you have and I will bless you in your obedience to me."

"God, if only I had a job that weren't so stressful and demanding I could committ more time to serving you."
"I gave you that job and put you where you are to bring glory and honor to myself. Whether you understand it or not. View your job as your committment and service to me. Maybe then will you understand MY heart better."

Am I being faithful in what He has ALREADY given me? If not, why do I expect Him to entrust me with more or better or...different.

What are you doing with 'yours' today?

Mommy Diaries Part 5

2009-09-21T11:46:00.000-07:00

As we approach the middle 2 year old stage we have come to value very much a nights long rest of uninterrupted slumber. However, our precious daughter has needs that she is compelled to have met regardless of what hour the clock on the nightstand reveals.

Robert made the observation recently that (while always disruptive) it is in some ways easier to allow her to cry during the night when she is simply whiny or fussy. It still concerns us. We're still waiting vigilently until she settles down. But oh how the situation is altered when instead of crying alone, she calls out, "Mommy!" or "Daddy!"

These cries are impossible to ignore! They demand a response. She is seeking our presence...whether we can actually help her or not. Her command is simply for us to come to her and meet her where she is.

In this moment I realize the importance of calling on the name of my God. My Father. My Creator. The importance of speaking His names and crying out for Him to just meet me where I am. As a parent, I know that these cries are impossible to ignore!

I may not always solve her problem to her satisfaction or give her the answer she is seeking (We do not watch Dora at 2:00 a.m. much to Avery's disapproval). But I guarantee she is comforted and receives a peace simply because I come to her. Because I respond to her call and I just meet her where she is. Even if just to hold her until she finds rest again.

He may not always solve my problems the way I plan them out. Or give me the answer I am seeking. But I guarantee that I am comforted and receive a peace simply because He comes to me. Simply because of His presence. He responds to my call and meets me where I am. Even if just to hold me until I find rest again.

Mommy Diaries Part 4

2009-09-14T11:47:00.000-07:00

Recently, Avery has become almost obsessed with using (and over-using) our names. She will search for any reason to use them. She creates opportunities to utter them aloud. She even addresses us as 'mommy daddy' or 'daddy mommy' as an excuse just to hear them as spoken words. She incorporates them into songs; replacing the words to many a childhood nursery rhyme or melody with mommy mommy mommy mommy (to the tune of London Bridges Falling Down) or daddy daddy daddy daddy (depending on the mood).

The people that these names represent are so comforting and meaningful to her that she finds a way to incorporate them into every sentence she constructs (often whether they are contextually appropriate or not).

Oh, how I long to become a follower who seeks out ways to incorporate the name of my holy Heavenly Father in every statement I utter; to bring Him into conversations in which He may have never been otherwise introduced; to constantly sing a melody of praise to Him in my heart and on my lips...as the worship of my life.

Just skip the news tonight & consider prayer

2009-09-09T13:14:00.000-07:00

Oh, aren't we all just little politicians! We have everything all figured out with our lack of experience, and our lack of training. Lack of formal education, lack of knowledge, intel, facts, risks, potential consequences vs benefits. We really have no broad scale understanding of the things over which we pretend to be experts. If only 'they' would call upon our assistance for how to solve the current economic crisis or healthcare crisis...we could solve the problem with our eyes closed, right? We have all the right answers, don't we. GAG!!! Who are we?

I can find NO place in scripture where we are all called to be walking expert politicians in our every day lives. We are; however, all called to be a "kingdom of priests" (Ex. 19:4-6). Instruments of the grace we have received through Him (Rom 1:5-6). A royal priesthood, a chosen generation, a holy nation (1 Peter 2:5,9-10).

Perhaps when we desire to live and act as more of a priest than a politician the things of this world will begin to seem so insignificant compared to what He calls us into. The things of this world will stand out as what they really area - fleeting; like a vapor (James 4:14) or like flowers and grass which are here today and gone tomorrow (Isaiah 40:6-8,Matt 6:30).

Maybe when the things I know in my head actually settle in my heart I will be consumed with an obsession for what is eternal and not merely temporary (Matt 6:19-21).

Hmmmmm...it's almost biblical.

Mommy Diaries Part 3

2009-09-09T13:12:00.002-07:00

Family outing. We're all in the car. From the backseat Avery announces, "Daddy, this is not your car, this is mommy's car!" I respond, "Yes, but we share." Avery (relentless in her efforts to always be right) counters, "Yeah, but this is mommy's car, not daddy's." Again I explain, "Avery...mommy and daddy love each other so much that we share everything with each other! Everything that is mine is also his and everything that is his is also mine; and together everything we have is ours to share with each other and with you!" Having sufficiently inundated my small child with more reason and logic than any 2 year old should have to process, she relenquished her argument and (I'd like to think) sat back in her car seat to further critically analyze my response (ha).

This illustrates the same promise that Christ extends to us - He made us heirs to His kingdom; children in His royal family. All we must do is accept Him; love Him intimately because of who He is and what He did; and seek Him wholeheartedly...and He shares everything He has with us. Love. Forgiveness. Grace. Healing. What an amazing heavenly Father we have!

Mommy Diaries Part 2

2009-09-09T13:12:00.000-07:00

We're sitting in the rocking chair for bedtime stories. We are reading her favorite book du jour (P is for Pumpkin); all curled up beneath her favorite blanket. She's tired. She needs comfort and rest; all of which I'm offering. Somewhere around "Q is for the quilting bee" she decides that she needs her stuffed penguin. She's insistent that we go find him. She's borderline obsessed. She's prepared to leave the warm, comforting arms of her mother's care to go in search of this penguin; which she's convinced herself that she absolutely needs at this very moment. I don't attempt to rationalize with her - only state that if she goes in search of the penguin she may find him, but she will definitely miss out on the rest of the story & quiet time with mommy before bedtime.
How often do I willingly choose to vacate the arms of my Heavenly Father in search of satisfying a need that I've convinced myself that I must meet for myself. I crawl out of His safe, nurturing, protective grasp; where all of my needs are being met - where I'm being held by the One who knows my needs better than I do myself, and I go in search of a penguin. Something so insignificant and unfulfilling. How much I've missed out on trying to chase after what I think I need instaed of trusting in the divine provision of the One who is holding me.

Mommy Diaries Part 1

2009-09-09T13:10:00.001-07:00

A friend of mine has a blog entitled "In my daughter's eyes...I catch a glimpse of how much God loves me." This statement is so true of my life, as well. The following are simple little every day occurances that parallel the parenting relationship that we experience as Christ's followers. They have "Avery flare" written all over them; however, be advised...

The walls within our home constantly echo with the sounds of a bossy little 2 year old voice; barking instructions: "Go line up at the door, mommy!", "No, you sit here, daddy!", "Two hands on the wheel, mommy!"...I find myself repeating the following phrase - "Avery, you are NOT the boss." And yet, in her mind, she dictates her behavior (and admittedly everyone else's) out of personal desire and choice. She thinks her way is best! She perceives her reality as a self-centered universe.

How much do I handle myself that way with my Heavenly Father? So busy barking instructions and issuing commands that I forget the reality that I am NOT the boss! I don't have to stress out about how things are going to work out at church, with our finances, or our family plans because God is in control; only He is the boss. As much as I desire to be in control, in the flesh, He holds my life in the palm of His hand and repeatedly yet patiently admonishes, "Emily, you are NOT the boss."

Am I missing something?

2009-09-09T13:02:00.000-07:00

How has church become so complicated? Nothing about Jesus is complicated. Complex...yes; overwhelming, of course...but complicated? Is it His best for us to be exhausted, burdened, and distraught? His Word says, "Come to me & I will give you rest", "My yolk is easy and My burden is light"...I'm not disillusioned to the fact that following Him is not always easy, but really... like this?

Isn't it our fundamental commission to 'go and make disciples'? How am I being equipped to go out into the world (or my neighbors yard) and show Christ's love there?

It seems we have become so concerned with 'addition' that we have lost sight of the fact that 'multiplication' is much more productive.

Where in scripture did Jesus coerse people to come to 'church' by promising meals or basketball or entertainment? He taught people in everyday settings in normal every day life... He began by investing in 12 men; poured His life into those 12. Then those 12 went out and made an impact for the kingdom.

How has it become so complicated? Programs, ministries, outreaches...they all sound worthy of our time and energy, but are they really fullfilling the purpose God intended? Or have we grossly missed the mark?

We're so busy with committees, discussions, Boards, sub-committees, Deaconate, elders, meetings upon meetings upon meetings - that we're over-complicating His purpose. We're spending precious time and energy wasting precious time and energy.

I have a hard time believing that God envisioned the church functioning this way. Is everything centered around loving others & making disciples? Showing Christ's love should be done every day by every one in every situation and it doesn't only come in the form of Wednesday night suppers or a Food Pantry or a Back To School Bash...those are events/ programs. It's much more difficult to do it in every day life.

Relationships are always more difficult than structured programs. But Jesus is all about relationships. And I want to be like Him more than I want to fit into a socially accepted ideal of church.

Even if my job depends on it.

Even if it scares the heck out of me.

Even if it's the most un-complicated decision I've ever had to make.

His Word is clear; the commandment is clear... not complicated.

WARNING! Construction Zone - Hard Hat Required!

2009-09-09T11:47:00.000-07:00

Ok. So this is what Blogger-land feels like.

I think I could get used to this.

I used to read other people's blogs and be inspired. I would think...how awesome that they actually have something creative to say. How exciting that God is working in their lives so much that they need a platform on which to share it with the world (ok, or a handful of really good friends). My response was always that of a spectator. Great for them, but I could never do it. What would I say. How could I make it entertaining or engaging or relevant?

Isn't it funny how God remembers all of our "I will never's"... Well. He's put a new joy in my heart. He's transforming me from the inside out. He's calling me out of my own security and into His. So, in obedience...here I am.